Saturday, November 17, 2012

Keeping the peas

"Eat your peas," I order my 3 year old for the hundredth time.

She's sitting in her highchair smiling sweetly back at me.

"I don't like peas," she says and eats her corn instead.

"You have to eat your peas," I insist and try to put a spoonful in her mouth.  She seals her lips tightly and turns her head.  I try being forceful. I trying being angry.  I try bribing.

After a good 15 minutes of this battle, I finally give up and walk away.  Confident that somehow her life will be limited because she didn't get her peas, I decide that I have failed her.

Fast forward seven years... she still doesn't eat her peas.  To be honest, no one in the family eats peas.  You won't even find peas in our freezer.  We are a pea-free household.  :)  So many jokes...so little time.

For most of us, rules govern our lives.  The way we behave, the way we eat, even the way we love are often the result of regulations we have created.  They are a product of cultural, social, and familial norms and some are due to life experiences.

Some rules are mandatory.  These are necessary to protect us and keep us safe. Others are optional, like eating everything on your plate.  The problem occurs when we mistakenly identify an optional rule as mandatory.  If you were to make a chart of the mandatory and optional rules of your life, I would be curious to see what you would put in each category.

A lot of times, the way we phrase a request impacts how we label it.  The words "have to" or "must" before an action makes the sentence sound a lot different than the words "it would be nice if" or "would like to." Sometimes we get so wrapped up in behaviors and expectations that we lose sight of the bigger picture. There may be more important things going on than what we're fixating on.  We may need to take a step back and be mindful in order to appreciate the things that are happening around us.

 Looking back, I can now see that the "you must eat your peas rule," should have been, "it would be nice if you eat your peas." After all, she was eating her corn.  What should have been mandatory for me back then? The simple act of enjoying the place I was in and the person who was sharing it with me.  Enjoying the three year old that would never be three again.

The next time you are feeling overwhelmed, ask yourself if you are making an "I would like to" into an "I must."  Maybe a self-assessment of the rules in your life could redirect you towards what is truly important, and free you of the burden of those things that are simply optional.


Thursday, November 1, 2012

What's in your salad?


Imagine that you just made a salad.

                                Bear with me here and don't write me off just yet.

Now imagine what that salad entails.  In mine: I see spinach, lettuce, cranberries, tomatoes, walnuts, feta, and a vinaigrette ...yumm I'm hungry

Now you have this salad in front of you, and company comes over for dinner. Some of your visitors might hate spinach.  No problem, just pick out the spinach when you serve them.  Some might hate cranberries.  Again, you can get them a bowl and pick out the cranberries... You get the picture. 

So what happens if your salad consists of just one ingredient?  If it's a spinach salad and your company hates spinach?  What would you do then?

Well now imagine that salad is you.  The ingredients that you put in the bowl are actually all the roles you identify in yourself.
                                          
If you see yourself as an excellent professional, for example.  What happens when you lose your job or you get a new boss who hates spinach? 

It can be devastating.

For most of us, our identity is impacted by the roles we play.  The positive reinforcement we get, whether monetarily or other, motivates us to continue in that role.  This is actually quite healthy as long as we have more than one role and the roles balance each other.

The struggle happens when our identity is only from one specific role.  It could be as a student, or a professional, or a mother, etc. 

Let's say my identity came from praise and promotions in my career.  What would happen if I loose my job or find myself under a boss who, for some reason, just doesn't like me?

I would be lost.

Losing a job or having a difficult boss will impact you.  In fact, it is a common cause of depression.  But when you have other sources to pull positive energy from, it motivates you to get back up and not give up on yourself. 

Do some introspection and ask yourself how do you assess your self worth?  What would happen to that self worth if one of those ingredients were removed?  Now imagine what would happen to your self worth if there was only one ingredient.


So where can you find your balance?  It can come from various sources:  family, friends, a talent, career, volunteer work, faith, a religious institution, community involvement, exercise and wellness...the list is endless.


The variety not only will add flavor to your life, but it will help balance you and support you through tough times.

Realize that all the components of your salad are not the same in size or value, but each plays an essential role in the final product.

Be picky about the things you choose to invest your energy in, and understand that some of them will change over time.  Just never stop exploring, growing, or savoring your creation.